s u s u e n a k k *

2005-02-03T19:21:00.000-08:00

frust. hate. betrayed. i wana stab some ppl right now. i dont care if they dont know the reason why im hostile towards them. i have my reasons. i bet they know the reason why. arrr.

fckr. screww you ppl. screw your head if i can.

and i'll be having my physics test tmr. uhurh.

2005-01-26T22:30:00.000-08:00

i reached home from school early today. :) 2.30. must be a record or something. must fight off temptations of hanging out after school. wooo. dozed off with syahid. weee` i simply cant resist him! he is the epitome CUTEEEENESSS. so my nap was 2 and a half hours long. :) WITH SYAHID.
woke up. reloaded myself with 2 (i think more) servings of rice. with meat. and fish. weeeee` nothing much after that. i just walked ard and stoneee.
night. mum went out with syahid , to buy foood. i asked her to buy milk as well. hehh.
arh, the agonizing moments of experiencing menstrual cramps. arrr. destructing my everrry second of chem revision.
by the way, i'll be havvving my chem quiz tmr. arrrr.
i cant believe this. im feeling so sleeepy. my eyes are half closed. to think that i slept for 2 and a half hours just now. arrr. what the hell. what is wrong with my body system man. i thought i could burn my night revising other sub. grR~

2005-01-24T22:20:00.000-08:00

still in the middle of completing homework. the hw that i owed are much more than the ones needed to do now. there's heaps and heaps of them. i dun have the freaking time to revise my work. how the hell am i gonna study. gotta be proactive and start doing my hw and hand them in on TIME! arh. just fuck. i think i need to go for anger management. need to content my anger abit more now. haish. can just freaking vent my anger on everything. even innocent little brothers.

after school stayed back for maths consultation. :) then went to eeqa's house. finished my mly and eng assignment. weeee` now kelly chua doesnt have to give me that creepy look. went home. stoning machine. mum asked what's wrong. it was as though she talked to a robot. stone again. feel like revemping my room. feel like buying all the paints i can get and paint my freaking room. maroon would be nice. paint the furniture too. whaas. :)

dreaming could keep me from dozing off in miss kwok's social studies lesson. heee. but i wont be paying attention then would i. geography wb exercises still undone. stone into the textbook. arh. i wish i have the brain of sandhya's. should have a paradigm that is, 'finish fast, get over it'

blarh. fcuk. i dont know why. i just hate ppl touching my stationery. whahas. it'll get me on my nerves. right now im restraining myself from yelling at syafiq for having his fingers ard my black pen. i love my things! whaha. phew` chill syuadah. its just your pen. not your beloved cookie. whahahas`

just out

2005-01-22T22:30:00.000-08:00

practically spent my whole day with my big brother. we went out. my legs were aching. but i had my share of fun. it was fun. hehh. its been ages since i went out like this. mmm. great. walked and walked. and i still havent got my cookies. darn you saini.

should have bought a book. its worth the money. but did i? did i? nope.

what else to say. im just worn out. weeeee`

2005-01-22T21:32:00.000-08:00

fcuk. dull. viewing videos. haven't even bathe. and i guess im going to do my fren's hw, cause im too lazy to go her hse and give it to her. good gracious. im freaking lazy.

for caro`

2005-01-22T01:23:00.000-08:00

caro, you want your name, you gonna get it.
NAH

---------CAROLYN CHOO HUNG MEI------------

whaha. this babe's crazayyy..!

school's coming!!

2004-12-26T21:16:00.000-08:00

one more week, the holidays are over. one more week, i'll be roasted cause i dun think i will have my assignments ready by then. and unity was painted. eewww. not nice. not nice. ugly. :-) i miss miss awwwwwww. miss her alot. yeah. im, actually anticipating the school's opening! been wondering how sec4 might be. ready to get some new knowledge. haha. good girl. my new year resolution will be, be focused, move on and live your life as if you will be dying the next day. woww. the new me. nahh. my new years' resolutions are always empty. :-) okie. so i'll be starting on my hw tomoro. the last week of the holiday will be a hectic one.
band practices in bukit merah sec. cute clarinet boy. hahaha. in unity too. except there's no guys cute. =x
wow. ive been stuffin myself with food. wow. i think im gonna be fat again. i prepare myself with this thinking so i wont be shock when i look into the scale during PE. phew`

okay. im done.

thnkzz.

2004-12-16T23:29:00.000-08:00

thanks to all who tagged. thanks to those who cared. u know who you ppl are. im so grateful to have sweet ppl like you care for me.
the tag ..
dee - hehh, thank you for letting me have you all the time, even thru my struggles. huggs-
leia - heee. yuP. thank goodness. hehh. hugg-
tian - yar, thanks for taggin. alott. :-) i know, i can move on. u're right. scars remain but at least the pain is gone, forever.
fel - thanks for listening to me. you're a great listener. yeah you are. god bless. thanks for everything, thanks for being there for me. :-) love ya. hugg-

went to bukit merah sec and have a combine practice with the band. we are practicing for a performance. and the school. credits to the designer. wooo. real nice. seriously. its real neat and nice. and simple yet so attractive and complicated. :) wOo. real sweet. and the woodwinds section are strong and loud. imagine, 3 clarinet players are as loud as our 10 clarinet players. plus, they move their body. :) and there's this clarinet boy. okay, just agreeing with the ppl who have seen him. yeah, he's cute. wait, he isnt cute, he's adorable. huahas. but i still of course love my school band. wOo. muahz muahz.

and damn. it still hurts but wont bother myself so muCh. ive got better things to drain my tears off. moving on :) just that, it hurts when i get to read some stuff. not nice stuff. but heck, it isnt your fault. it isnt her fault. so urhm. yeah`

~~and damn. at tymes like these, i f**king hate my mum. i do. i just find some things done in this house unfair. unfair. arh f**k. like who listens.~~

just in case

2004-12-15T17:27:00.000-08:00

for all out there, in case you wana know, im still not okay. im still moving slowly. and i know time waits for no man. i have no appeitite, and everything just sucks. and i know it isnt PMS.

2004-12-14T21:26:00.000-08:00

its overr. i know. i have to face it. and move on. but i have to admit. i am not doing well. emotionally, im weak. haish. im moving on. but im moving slow. and sometimes, i cant take it. i miss him. even when im keeping myself busy. the memories, they last forever. so sweet yet so bitter to swallow. i'll try to be strong. everything is overrr. nothing matters. everything down the drain. and i miss him. and it hurts. alott. haish.

i think i can still be strong.

today

2004-12-12T15:09:00.000-08:00

i think im the only teenage girl who hasn't gone out this holiday. the only one. hurh. but i dont find staying indoors boring or anything. its okay. cause ive got energetic little brothers who'd lighten up the day, at least. let's see my progress. so far, none. i havent yet started on my assignments. so much for staying at home. well, i better have a head start too, before the sec 4 starts. i'll be sitting for the Os next year. in some time, april? hurh. so much to do, so little time. all i've done is sleep, eat, watch tv and lay my rump in front of the com on a comfortable computer seat. and yeah, blowing my horn. okay, that's at least something to be proud of. hehh. hurh. i accidentally dropped my mouthpiece the other day and a part of it got dent. and the sound was like, urh! a cow i guess. that bad. i was close to tears cause it was so hard to blow enough air into the hole. haish. but im working on it. i guess. well. i dont know what else to do but to go figure and better understand blog codes.

2004-12-10T20:25:00.000-08:00

mmmmm.my 2nd entry. its been hard. very hard. seriously, im weak inside. i dont know if i can go on like this. something has got to change. i cant live in the past. it kills to keep quiet. it kills to not let you know. its killing me softly. tearing my whole life.

its you whom i want

2004-12-10T15:42:00.000-08:00

thanks to everyone. thanks for trying to make me feel better. i can never thank you all enough. thanks for hearing me cry during your cca leader camp, ying, caro, ila, le and ana. and everyone. thanks toffee. cause you will always be the one to pamper me with your tender loving care. i love you all so much. and to you. you know who you are. thanks for everything. you had taught me a lesson that im weak. i know my flaw now. i know i am but strong. and you are but mine. you are but forever. you were only a fantasy. thanks for taking me back to reality. sooner or later, i have to face my life on my own. and i cant depend on friends forever. thanks everyone. for everything. for being there. huggs-
i will never forget you. i know. i saw- you . in my dreams. i thought i can run away from this. i thought it would be over. as soon as i sleep. but in my dreams, i only saw you. i dont want to sleep. the memories came rushing back. to me. as if we were still together. as if you stayed. and it hurts alot. cause i would like to forget everything. there's gotta be more to life. than loving you. there's gotta be. and i want to see what other wonders life can bring, other than you. there must be other wonders that come to stay. like my friends. and my family. and my brothers. and saini. and the irascible syafiq. and syahid. i love everybody. everything is going to be okay. i'll be fine. i wont think of him. i can smile on my own. without him. things will be so much better. and why am i sounding like helena kingshaw. (for those who knows)
sometimes i hate you. but i cant forever. cause im kind enough. :-) no. it hurts when i love you, it hurts more to hate and lose you as a friend. im not gonna look for another. im not gonna find a surrogate lover. im not. cause i wana be strong. but my heart mends slow. it'll take time. i'll be okay.

2004-12-06T16:45:00.008-08:00

everything is nice today. but i didnt use the time well. sigh. everything is so wrong. and unhealthy. its not nice seeing syafiq saying emotional things. the things that adults would say. its so unhealthy for a kid like him to be depressed and say all those things. i gave him a hugg. and syahid too. i hugged them both. told them i loved them. i wish we would never quarrell again. it hurts. alot. mum and grany arent at home now. so im left with grandad and syahid and syafiq.

2004-12-06T16:45:00.007-08:00

2004-12-06T16:45:00.006-08:00

2004-12-06T16:45:00.005-08:00

2004-12-06T16:45:00.004-08:00

2004-12-06T16:45:00.003-08:00

2004-12-06T16:45:00.002-08:00

2004-12-06T16:45:00.001-08:00

2004-12-06T16:45:00.000-08:00

in a relationship

2004-11-28T01:06:00.000-08:00

im looking forward to being trusted by you dear. but i know this is far then possible. it hurts. so much. when you dont even trust the person you are with, the person who loves you dearly. but then, i think, now, i believe, in a relationship, its all about giving the fullest, appreaciating and treasuring the ones you love. that is you. so now, i wont care about what i would get, what you will give to me, what misfortune you always think abt. the negativity of your thoughts. i want to focus on how to gain that trust. but whatever i wil say, how i will act, will not determine that you will trust and love me fully. i say it again, it hurts. but you know what, it doesn't matter. i shall not think about what i would get, but i would give, and judge if you have had the best, to make you feel loved. haiz. maybe, aku bertepuk sebelah tangan, seorang diri yEr. mmm.

i'd stay up all night, just thinking abt you. you have made me feel this way, the only one who had able to. you. but i dont think you think about your significancy in my life, what impact it had on me, to be so greatly in love, but not to be loved. oh wont you stop to think about the betrayal and the unfaithfulness that i might show. cause you dont think about the possibility of me doing all those things. i wont. i wont. now i know, how it feels like to love and not to be loved. now i know. ohhh.

sigh. i smile, despite the tears im holding.

i LuRvE yEw~

2004-11-19T19:06:00.000-08:00

forget what i said just now, i love my darling fazrin alot. i treat him like shit too sometimes. hehhz. love you darl, thanks for being there for me. looking forward to jalaning raye with you. whahahah :)

2004-11-19T14:28:00.000-08:00

i hate you
i really really hate you
what you treat me like
come to think abt it
you dont deserve my treatment
aku jage perasaan kau, kau ape kisah psl perasaan aku
jadi, buat ape aku nk treat kau sweet2 sume
i see no point man
i might as well treat you the way you treat me
let you feel UNAPPREACIATED

i just feel so frustated. esp after what happened yesterday night. you practically begged me to use my room, to talk to your gerlfren. that is my room. and what do i get? gi mampos. what the hell that means..?? it means i have no righ...?? huh.. i should stand up for myself. i hate you alot yesterday.

unappreaciated. ppl care for you, you dun even thank her. arh, nevermind arh. maybe that is the way you treat me. so, huh. nevermind lah. asalkan kau bahagia. :) huh. ppl have to comfort you. then me? wah lao. you think you are only one who have feelings arh. then me..?? arh, whatever lah. as long as you are happy. it doesnt matter if im hurt and not happy. but if you are, then fine lah, whatever, however you want to treat me.

i should not be talking abt this anyway. i should treat ppl the way i want ppl to treat me. i should be kind, even though some ppl are not kind and are insensitive with my feelings. i should put others before self. haiz.

im sorry can. please, dun be like this. i have feelings too you know..

2004-11-12T23:23:00.000-08:00

if i die. would you know that i was ever alive?
i hate some ppl right now. haiz. i should not hate them but i do. talk to me as if im so stupid. like i cannot take any instructions.
treat others the way you want others to treat you.
its unfair.
nothing is fair
but soon it wil be judged
we see's who's right.
for now,
i hate you
i dont think you deserve the respect.
why is everybody blinded?
by what is really happening.
how come im treated differently
one day,
i die, i wonder if you can note the difference.
for now, i simply hate you
as long as you are happy
and as long as you shut up
you can never understand me
no one will
i'll rub my scars alone.
cry alone
then i'll fake nothing is happening
cant you see the tears flowin down my cheeks.
you wont bother to ask
you simply wont
and the way you say it, i do nothing in this houz
well
if you are blind, i did.

2004-11-08T05:02:00.000-08:00

haiz. if you dun want to stay, just leave. it hurts sometimes knowing that i begged you to stay. this heart is just too weak. mmm. i love band. but had to leave early that day. damn. i can no longer call you my darling. its like a force to love me back, im sorry for the mistakes i did. i want to play all songs. whaha. blue ridge saga and my fav, seagate overture. whooo. miss playing that.

haiz, i better stop myself from crying larh. a little bit want to cry. cengeng nye babi. whahah. haiz. i lost it all in a matter of minutes, i only got myself to blame. i dun want to lose you. dun force yourself to love me.

its hard. to be loved less. esp when you didnt have the intention to hurt that loved one. haiz. it hurts. i have to tell myself you are not what you were to me, i cant cal you my sayang anymore. i cant expect to be loved the same. just dun force yourself to love me. and worse, i have to love you less cause i know if i love you like last time, i would be hurt, cause you wont repay it like you used too. and i only got myself to be blame.

listening to majestia. mubarrak burn cds for us. whaha. great man. got his own photocopy machine at home. whaha. what a great fren. ;-) mmmm. it still hurts you, it hurts me too. knowing i cant survive like this. haiz

i only got myself to be blamed. and i dun want to hurt you again. and i love band!! whahaha

the only thing that i really love is. band. haiz. cause i know, i wont get the love i used to get from you. i only got myself to blame. ;-(

i love you

2004-11-01T06:31:00.000-08:00

one thing that i really love right now. whooo. my horn. damn . brought it home just now. whaha. yesh, its heavy . but then, as soon as i reach home, i 'clean' it straight away. whaha. without even bothering to change. okay. talk abt my results. i scared i retain. cause, the results are well, sucky. they suck alot.and it bothers me. well. that is what you get for studying last minute. should start earlier next time yar. i hope i can do well next year. i want to do well for my o level. i want to do engineering and i think physics is fun. whahahahah. and mr fan too. i think he is a good physics teacher. sounding like yin juan now. whaha. miss my sayang. alot. really really miss him. arh!! whahahah. okaezz.. i want to change skin. but like, lazy larh . dunoe .. haix. and it hurts when you are not trusted.

from carolyn..
the way to a man's heart is his balls. whahahaha. fuckhaneneh you..whaha

2004-10-15T08:01:00.000-07:00

i hope this works. now. doing nothing. tot of doing some studying. ss paper this monday. i hope you all know tat i can update now. muah~ okays.

2004-08-27T14:51:00.000-07:00

long time never check friendster.. then got testi for bro and dayah..
eheeeexk. wanna read..?? dun want to read also i post.. muahax..

awwwwx. but too bad.. i checked this on the 27th.. not on my burfday..
this one is from saini, my best broshie.. note the waaaaaaah?? see,
i think everyone from my family loves to talk loud.. =)

waaaaaaaaaaah!!!syuadah!adikku!!!dah 15 tahun arr!abg berdoa semoga adik berjaya dlm semua benda2 yg adik buat arr..blajar betul2..SLAMAT HARI JADI!!!!HAPPY B' DAY!

this one is from dayah, best `chica` ever ..

Lallalala~ Happy happy birthday toooo you Nurrul! Muackz! And u tern a year oldr on this special day! Do enjoy urself, ur 15 only once. :D Enjoy ur presssies! Wish u all the bestest bestt in alll tt you do. Cheesy of sorts tt line. Wth, hee. Take loooads care! *tata.

thank yOooooOOOOOO.. **

and i LURFE the watch.. =D

as if..

2004-08-27T14:10:00.000-07:00

why start this when one of us has to let go..?
why care if you have to leave one day..
why care if he has to leave one day..
why hold on if this will be over one day.. why..?
so many questions, so little time.. so little moments..
but so many things im thinking abt..
why find if your eyes drag you to see a different guy..?
~~i love heem~

love this feeling..
loneliness.. everybody loathes loneliness..
maybe im the only odd one out.. why..??
cause i can do anything i want..
when i like it.
think whart i like.. sleep when i like..
do everything when i like..
but you see.. it emphasize on like..
but there is no one that i love around me..
my mum, him, big irritating brother, small noisy brothers ..
lame father..

no one here to talk to me.. arh, cut the crapp..
i love being in the house.. alone.. can bathe for long hours..
singing and scrubbing.. doesnt anyone love this shit..?
and clean the house.. for my mum.. so that she feels
welcome, thankful that syuadah is her daughter..
heeexk. my feet stink
aahahx. sitting like ... apek.. ahaahahx.

so i didnt go to the basketball thingy ..
arrrrr.... heck. good luck, tht chicken still loves you anyway..
sometimes im pissed with the attention that
basketball get.. i know they are soaring,
bringing the school's name up high... but, some times,
too much dun you think.. and when you get something too much,
you get sick of it right.. but hell..
good luck larh boys.. =)

in the tag board, dee says im not fierce..
but then, when i asked her in the class, she said im action..
muke sombong.. muahahahahx. aiyoh.. arh hell..
actually dunnoe whart to say arh now... the definite activity
im gonna engage in is sleeping.. muahahx.. then, study physics!
eheeex.. wait, then go do chores.. blarh blarh..
i love being home alonE.. wonder why some ppl hate it..
mmmm..
wokie, that is all for now..

I MISS YOU FAZRIN..
muahahahah.. ~~

whart if

2004-08-26T15:37:00.000-07:00

what if i end it all now... what would happen.. blearghs..
why dun you go your way, and i'll go mine
live your life and i'll live mine..
baby you'll do well, and i'll be fine..
cause we're better off seperated...

am i fierce looking..?? muahahahx.. answer me people...
if i dun smile, how will i look like..??
still the same old ugly syuadah larh.. muahax..
blearghs..
came home..mum asleep now..
went home early.. yeah yeah ..
talked to him.. sorilarh i didnt answer you... cause..
i didnt hear maRh.. next time shout larh you.. =)

so.. i want to be a goodie old daughter today..
for my mum..she isnt feeling well... headaches.. sighs..
sori mum.. love you.. okay ar..
i think im gonna end surfing at 4 then ..
do my best to help my mum.. =) bye then for now..
gwen is hot but she aint got any bust..
ahahax..

2004-08-26T03:28:00.000-07:00

yeah yeah .. changed my skin already.. whoompididelly doOo..

but i am still awake and i want to climb something...

muahahax.. just now, did something stupid..

and he forced me to stop it.. ahahx.. wargh..

i love google so much... i feel so hyper..

like want to jump like hell.. ahahx.. syuadah, take it easy..

i duno what is up with me.. sometimes there is this part of me

which shows so much hatred for someone..

then i will be a sadist.. for those who know me.. i am a sadist..

but then, i can become so sensitive.. i'll cry for each misfortuned creature..

yeah, tomoro got literature.. i love lit.. but too bad.. im slacking in it..

God pull me up.. mmm.. lets talk abt prom nite.. since i am so bored..

i dun feel like going.. end of story.. cause.. simply, i think

it is like a waste.. but a waste if i dun go too.. sighs.. like..

the cost of it.. bla bla bla..

then what to wear.. arhx.. like i care abt all that..

but duno larh.. my heart says no.. and my mind says, blearghs..

okie den .. better sleep now.. before i cant wake up at all..

then meet him late tomorO..

and btw, i was early today!! muahahx..

slide along side

2004-08-26T02:54:00.000-07:00

must girls stare..??
guess that is all some girls can do to say hi..
cannot smile or anything..
but just a stare..
like ive messed up their life or something..
like hell yeah i have..
i dun even talk to these kind of girls...
i wont ar...
and i dun even know them..
let alone want to befriend them..
and then whisper among their girlfrens..
who are of the same species..
and giggle..
yucks..
please larh.. dun bug my life can..
as if you know me like that..
i wudnt care even if you die..

okie.. in the middle of the night and i cant sleep..
i know why...cause..
slept early, like 9 something like that..
dozed off just like that in saini's room..
pas tu ngigau, bangon, tido pat bilik sendiri..
actually i woke up like 1 plus in the morning..
thought i wanted to on the lights..
and study or something..
but i remembered an incident..
which he told me..
a head at the toilet window...
ahax..
then i scared myself..
and forced my eyes to close.. -.-"
but now, i really cant sleep..
woke up...
hmmm..
thinking of changing my skin..
eheeex..

mmm

2004-08-24T21:54:00.000-07:00

this is my 2nd posting for today...
muahahx..
why got 2 postings..?
cause..
i have nothing to do larhh..
well.. my chem's a wreck...
arghs..
i simply dun understand no thingy abt chem..
arrrr.. sometimes feel so hopelesss..
arrrrx.. dead.. how am i gonna pass chem mann..?
and mm... my burfday is gonna end now..
lets see..
actually i have nothing to do ar now..
i just feel so moody these few days..
attehtiuddee....* ms aww*
and yeah..
today got hugged by miss aw..
muahahx.. she is so cute..
come, come, i hug you..
cause me and lele hugged..
then she hugged me..
muahahx..
awwwwwwwww..
whart else to say huh...??
i think i get lazier and crazier each day...
blearghs...
bye for now..
gonna sleEp.. again..

yay?

2004-08-24T18:22:00.000-07:00

well
today is my burfday...
for all you people out there..
but i feel damn sianx..
cause..
got maths test..
and chem retest..
and..
plusplus..
i am sick ..
god damn it mann..
in school...
my body aches...
my throat sore..
at first i lost my voice..
went to school with him ..
with no voice..
then in the afternoon...
suddenly got voice..
then can disturb him when he talked..
muahahx.
sori larhh...
*muacks
so urmm..
my burfday...
okay ar.
cause i was sick..
i wish i wasnt in school..
everything
everywhere
hurts...
so much..
and my eye was dry..
but teary..
sighs..
on my burfday some more..
yeah ...
thnks caro for your heart...
and inside the heart..
is my sweetheart fazrin ..
but then that heart ended up...
in the dustbin..
muahahx.
sori carolyn..
huda got my food..
lotsa lotsa food...
yummm..
very nice..
all the crackers and chocolate and stuffs..
yeah ...
well, shared it with
syafiq..
but still got lots left..
and my sayang ..
sent me home..
and gave me a present also..
awwwwwx...
i disturbed him so much today..
such an irritating gerfren...
but you know that i dun mean a thing rite...
sighx.. me love you tau...
=)yeah yeah
mum sleeping now..
sighs..
i am so tired...
i want to sleep too..
happyburfdaytome
muahahx

lazy piggy talking

2004-08-21T04:35:00.000-07:00

woke up in the morning
didnt bathed l
ike usual watched tv
ate rice, chicken and 3 chipsmore cookies
watched cartoon
listened to songs
and then slept again
lazy pigggy
but then lazy piggy woke up
and mopped the floor
maybe not so fast larh
watched shrek2 with syahid first
halfway, go and mopped the floor
mum came home
syafiq walked on the wet floors
so did saini
urghx.
i hate when ppl walk on my wet floors
it leaves footmarks on the tiles
arrrrx
bathed, tht was around 4.00
mum, dad, lil bros, big bro
left for grandad's
alone at home
stuck with chem 10 yr series
well
managed to do it
yeah yeah
tummy pain
talked to him
asked him why my tum like that
cannot answer
make him take the bio book
but still
cannot gimme the answer
aiyoh. go study carnn
love you =)
slept
woke up
tummy pain
like hell
cannot tahan siah
until now
still buggin me
so i ate a bowl of rice
with fishball soup=)
no chicken
yeahyeah
i hope this work
if not im going down to buy milk
got laundry to fold
want to study again
there was my boring life
as a part lesbian
with nuroool
i like her but i love fazrin
she loves *toot* but she likes me
but nevertheless
im waiting for her
and she is waiting for me
oh god
im not for real larh
i love fazrin alot
but lesssies are okay
rite?
muahahx =* dead
arghx
still have eng hw to do
god
who ask lazy piggy to slp?
thts whart lazy piggies do
sleep and sleep
okie off for now
gonna study some more
do english
study physics
talk to him
then sleep
lazy piggy OuuUut**

babyimthinkinofyew*

haix

2004-08-20T20:25:00.000-07:00

haix. i love you. i'd do anything so that i wun lose you. you are my only one. im worried.

period. im worried. i love you fazrin. tell me you are okay.

today, didnt go to band. humphs, sori ain. one thing. that i hate abt miss tan. is the way she say like, we are not her students. well you know whart, you are not MY teacher either. whart. are you embarrased cause our playing dun suit your standards. your pupils dun play like that. huh.

what the hell. we are your students. you came here to teach us. and then, you say like that. even if it kills you to say that, then i suggest, just keep it to yourself ar. who'd like that comment? humph. if you dun want to conduct us cause we cant play the way you want us to, then beat it. mr chong, though we often dun play the way he does, he never make such insensitive remarks abt us being his pupils.

urghx. well. cut that.

i dun think i even want to pass geo. i cant study for it. thts it. im hopeless in geo. ive only passed the tests like, once. blearghs

im off for now.

thinkingofyou**

2004-08-19T18:59:00.000-07:00

~Die forLove~
I sit in the park where I dwell,
For this boy I love so well.
He took my heart away from me,
Now he wants to set me free.
I see a girl on his lap,
He says things to her he never said to me.
I ran home to cry on my bed,
Not a word to mother was said.
Father came home late that night,
He looked at me from left to right.
He saw me hanging from a rope,
He took his knife to cut me down.
And on my dress a note was found:
Dig my grave, Dig it deep.
Dig my grave, From head to feet.
And on the top place a dove.
And remember this, I died for love.

doing whart now

2004-08-17T05:15:00.000-07:00

after skool, went to fatimah's house

watched bring it on

we were pretending to be cheerleaders

muahahahax

shud've seen the look on our faces

eeyurx

well urm, today

i was disgusting

oh wait, i think i am disgusting all the time

everyday

blearghs

toff, fatimah, syafiqah and me

sat at one table

challenge who drink first

drink one cup of coke each

toff won

i cannot take it

cause she focused so hard

to finish first

cannot tahan her face

laughed and almost spit the drink

onto their faces

warghx

i ate alot

very much

alot larh

gettin fatter

but i wondered

hanisah cudnt finish her food

so who ate

blearghs

me larh

i eat everything

i duno if this is a good thing or not ar

not cerewet =)

abt food, as long as it is halal and edible

but there is one thing that i dun eat

mmm

or maybe i havent tried yet

daun sirih

if i can try, i try ar =)

syuadah , the piggy

but not lazy piggy

met him, go home with him

he cut his hair

muahahx

oit mr chew, my bf hair not that long larh

cute whartt

but cut already

ate huda's cake

nice

very nice

she baked herself eh

damn nice siah

well

i gotta study now

yesh , i will okay

i think study physics

cause just now, mrs quah talked to our class

like we are so lazy like that

now i wish i dun take chem

rather took bio

bio and physics

urgh

i think im the only one who is lazy

aiyah

look at my chem 10 yr series ar

so nice

so empty

who wants to buy from me?

urghx

i just have no interest in chem ar

whart can i say

i think that is abt all larh

burhbye

btw, i was late again when i met him in the morn

urgh

wish me luck for tmr =)

today

2004-08-16T22:34:00.000-07:00

today

got home like

9.45

got religion class

walked home

with toffee

considered like, walk her to her block

when is my turn hurhx

kiddin...

made some scary noises

then scared of them oursleves

aint that stupid

reached home

called him

talked

for a short while only

didnt bring hp when out

arhx

missing him

alot

blearghs

tomoro going to skool with him

yaei yaei

well

i wana be early

i think wake up like 5.50 ar

mmm

well

thts all for now

mmmm

missinghimalotley * lubyew

sunday is so .. homey

2004-08-15T02:45:00.000-07:00

so today is sunday
as usual, stayed at home
practically i hate going out
just stepping out of the house
and it was in a mess just now.
esp my room
so urm
today
cleaned my room
wooopie
but during the process
i just felt so much hate
towards my family
for having so many things in my room
i wish it just have a bed
and a cupboard
and a computer
no
a laptop
yesh
tht doesnt take up much space
but honestly
i was feeling so much angst
in me
i dunoe why
i had hatred for my family
for not cleaning the house enough
blearhgs
shudnt have tht kind of thinking syuadah
so cleaned my room
and my mother's room
saini's room?
cudnt be bothered
cause im so afraid to touch his papers.
lols
but just now
i was dumping everyting dat doesnt belong to me
syafiq's toys
syafiq's motor
back at the places they shud be placed
i was like
mumbling to myself
dunnoe how to put things back izzit huh
well
come to think abt it
i was like
miss soh
muahahax
shame on you syuadah
shame on you
blearghs
i was pulling a very long serious like shit face
then my mum saw
she knew i was mad
and i continued cleaning
vaccumed my bedroom
vaccumed my bed
cleaned my mum's room
vaccumed my mum's room
and my bro's room
dumped all his laptop assecories on his bed
mumbling again then
why am i like.. so sensitive now??
mum said 'rajin kau dik. boring eyy'
i answered 'boring ar. abih'
actually i wanted to anyswer like
then the house is in a mess
well
i think all this started when i needed to wake up to iron saini's shirt
then face like sour plum
well
regretted acting that way
but mum wasnt mad or starting nagging ar..
cause i cleaned her room
and i also mopped the floor
tired
then ate
like a pig
the food was spicy
damn hot
but nice
so
ate fast
cause everything was melting in my mouth
and i felt like i needed to keep on adding food into my mouth
but
it was nice ar
mum got it from wedding thingy
anyway
i cooked
yeah yeah
havent tried it yet larh
but then
my mum was there
arr
sort of spoil my triumph
she told what to put all tht stuff
but she only touched the chicken
i put the rest of the stuff in the pot
and mmmmm..
carolyn, where is my mum's pot?
lols
kiddin
well urm
i think today's day was well spent
i feel like sleeping now
after i eat my food
=)
bye for now
syahid's dark and brown now.
but he is so cute
with his hair
awwwwx
played alot with me just now
got very irritated with syafiq
so bias =babies are so cute

2004-08-14T21:19:00.000-07:00

i dunnnoe but i dun really feel like bloggin. guess im just losing the interest of bloggin now. blearghs. i love to eat. =) nothing much really happened ar today.
went out
send siti and syafiq to their religion classes
head to school
be with him after that
went to band
finished at 5.30
there's gonna be band on monday too
and we sucked
so need to practice more
he sent me home
nurool's mum called
and i was like
'huh? who are you ?'
gosh
i hope nurool's fine now
she msg her mother using my hp
well, i dun mind
but i dun expect her to sort of interogate me
abt the where abouts of her daughter
i was in the bus
with him
blearghs
i hope things are okie dokie now
well
im a clean-the-house freak
when im stress tht is
love him
burhbye~
and
welcome back carolyn** we missed you

im back

2004-08-13T00:46:00.000-07:00

its been like 3 days i havent update my blog. and during this 3 days, carolyn isnt in spore. and damn i miss her. miss her turning to me, showin the funny faces of miss aw.
i regretted giving her my fucked up attitude. damn i miss her mann. cause she sits in front of me marhh. so got big impact. when she isnt in skool, jia le all alone. pity her. then also kena counsel by mrs chan. got geo test on wedmesday. we pospont the test to wednesday. and she thought that we wanted to trick her cause some of the pupils not in school. they have the camp. but tht totally slipped off her mind. stoopid. want to blame us only.

but hey. carolyn is in spore already. =) called me. but too bad, i dun have incoming in the afternoon so i have to put down the phone. miss you carolyn! muahahahx. now no voice already lah she. already like mdm yan li. muahahx. okie lah.. so much of carolyn.

just now went to coffee bean and then bought 2 drinks. it was so damn nice. heaven i tell you. heaven like hell. anyway, bought cheese maiyonese bread not so nice arhh. like wahrt only. i think the baker cut down on the oil ar. then the bread not so fatty. usually, it is sticky. and then not nice already.. blearghs. later update again ar. bye

my 2nd posting

2004-08-10T18:23:00.000-07:00

ouh shit. just shit then cannot flush. wtf. later need to go toilet and flush it. lets just hope i wun forget. well urmm. whart else can i say. i can shit already. hell yeah m i happy. =) and i wana change my skin. change it soon. sick of the colour yellow already. think im gonna go for muddy green. burhbye. out.

2004-08-10T17:47:00.000-07:00

me and toffee will never be apart. whart we share is different and special and there is nothing that could tear us apart. whahax. sounds like lesbians eyy. but no, of course no arhx. but nothing could tear us apart. nothing.
so urm, yesterday was national day and i spent it with my family, and the whole lot of others, family members of course, at wild wild wet. well. it was fun. fun giler babi. i ride everything, even the slide up! got one ride i didnt ride but it was boring. and we have to keep cycling tomake the thing go non stop. aiyoh. so tiring. i like the slide up the best. but waiting. just waiting for the boya is like, 2 hours i think. but waiting for the ridE wasnt tht long ar. not long until 2 hours like tht ar. rode it with my busu. asked him cause i figure he didnt do anything except taking care of his kids. =) so, like, a reward ar like tht. besides, he wanted to ride it too.tht is prob the only ride he went for. slide up is like sitting on a float and then you feel like the gravity pulling you down the slide. the slide was 3 storeys high. like, wooaaw. grrrrrr, went down the slide. remembered physics when i was on this ride, potential energy and then kinetic energy. muahahax. =) fun like hell ar.
also, my cuzzins, khidir and siti slept home. for 2 days. well, the kid is a little kurangajar but then, he is kind enough. and his sis is a beaute. face like dewi. muahahx. then my bro each time see her face, like see whart only. chill ar syne// so umm. it was like, having 4 adiks. damn.. it was hard enough ar. need to do alot of stuffs. but get to sleep with a kid, at last. then not so lonely. but she very the lasak. kick me in bed. so i pushed her head to one side. but still, i have only like 1/8 of the bed. i squeezed to sleeep. but it was lovely. that was the first night. the second nite, we slept in different mattresses this time. much, much better. no kicking. but the mattress i was slpng in has like, loose springs. so turn here, got metal-twisting sound. turn there, also got metal-twisting sound. but hey, it was still fun. well, my cousins just left just now. missed them already. cause they are like, already my own siblings. then asked them to come here if they got nothng to do. cause i bet they are lonely at home, alone. asked the bro whart he normally do, sleep, that is whart he said. and it is so nice having a sister around! but quite leceh ar. i still prefer muhd syahid by my side of the bed. but he is so bad-tempered you know. hard tempered. like my dad i would say.
went out, brot the kids out, 4 kids. FOUR! instead of only having 2 around. but, had my dear with me. well, he only layan the syahid arhh. syafiq was an irritating jackass, tag team with siti. syahid was, playing alone, peacefully, unlike others. miss you darlx.
mmm. miss toff too. miss talking shit with her. muahax.

2004-08-08T16:34:00.000-07:00

no doubt
"Don't Speak"
You and me
We used to be together
Everyday together always
I really feel
That I'm losing my best friend
I can't believe
This could be the end
It looks as though you're letting go
And if it's real
Well I don't want to know

Don't speak I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts

Our memories
Well, they can be inviting
But some are altogether
Mighty frightening
As we die, both you and I
With my head in my hands I sit and cry

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts (no, no, no)
Don't speak I
know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts

It's all ending
I gotta stop pretending who we are...
You and me I can see us dying...are we?

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts (no, no, no)
Don't speak I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts
Don't tell me cause it hurts!
I know what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't speak,don't speak, don't speak,
oh I know what you're thinking
And I don't need your reasons
I know you're good,
I know you're good,
I know you're real good
Oh, la la la la la la La la la la la la Don't,
Don't, uh-huh
Hush, hush darlin'
Hush, hush darlin'
Hush, hush don't tell me tell me cause it hurts
Hush, hush darlin' Hush, hush darlin'
Hush, hush don't tell me tell me cause it hurts

2004-08-08T14:20:00.000-07:00

credits to milky dayah! thnks for the song gerl. =) arrrshx. mish him.

be my mann

2004-08-08T13:35:00.000-07:00

no doubt
"Marry Me"
I can't help that I like to be kissed
And I wouldn't mind if my name changed to Mrs.
This is one side, my conventional side
An attraction to tradition
My vintage disposition
My sincere architecture
And I want to cook him dinner
But I'm more indecisive than ever
And who believes in forever?
Who will be the one to marry me?
A girl in the world barking up the wrong tree
A creature conditioned to employ matrimony
Crumbling continuity,
I pick up the pieces
The ceremony makes me zealous
As the past quickly ceases
Fear from being neutered
I'm now prude, now defensive
Quickly I'm altered and tempted by new love only rented
Do you believe you'll marry me?
You might be the one to marry me
Back, looking back, looking back at me
I'm not how I used to be
Take me back, take me back into history
Diamond ring, tie me down just like it used to be
Who will be the one to marry me?
Who will be the one to marry me?

dirty daug

2004-08-07T19:30:00.000-07:00

mmm..

believe it or not. i havent bathed. okay. humph.

was suppose to go to school, and give my ss assignment, well, i would have. if i done it . but i didnt. typical. well, i guess im gonna do it and then put in miss kwok's pigeon hole on tuesday. monday gonna go wild wild wet. humph. okie? i dno if its gona be fun. just dun feel so semangat abt it ar. and hmm. changed and tried using template. dun ask me why. i wana go change my skin. and i think this is cute. gonna look up into blogskins. later.havent bathed. lazy. smelly. and im thinking, whart was i doing just now? hello. havent bath. like that is suppose to be put till the end of the day. im alone. with syafiq. now.
im happy. well, not so. i feel hot and i feel like doing physics. hmm. nothing to do ar now. slept from umm. 1 till 4. lazy. i know. dad just left home, went to work. and he talked abt this ear-thingy. okie. like, i believe tht is shit. dun believe in all this stuffs. our future and interests depending on the size of the ears. =/ humph.

quarrelled with syafiq, and it always with him saying this, 'kalau syafiq da besar, syafiq tak nk kasi kakak duit' as deep as it cuts me, i dun care. muahahaahx. well urm. that is all for now. gona do some stuffs. and mmm.

fazrin, i love you . muahahahahx.

2004-08-06T22:11:00.000-07:00

whompididelly doo. im all okay now. muahahax. im so feeling much better now.. but haix. im so so tired. just now celebrate ndp at skool. like duhh. so urmm. i came with band uniform and came home with band u too. and damn. my feet is soar. damn soar. there's like, red packets on my feet right now. note the word packets. as in, you can actually open them up. yeouch. then when kena water, its so the pain. mm.. band was a craze just now. all because of huda ar. muahahx. god bless ar. that seow *toot*. god bless. she started standing up and sing the songs. muahahx. i sat beside her. laugh like hell. muahahahx. sing the national songs. then her mouth moving around. so big. her mouth so big. then, we dance on top of the chairs. on top okay. again, its tht seow *toot* again ar. rachel jumped on top of her chair. dancing. muahahahx. i wish i can do that. but im far too heavy. well. tot wanted to play big fun. but big fuck, cannot. then pack up already. damn i love band.

love it mann. just plain loving. well, unity was suppose to do the wave. but shit ar got wave. all of them like. "ahh" but then nothing came out. wave whart. only the band and the other uniform groups did the wave. and some of the classes. the rest. humph. then i shout. you boring unitians! **seow** well, thats whart i am. but one thing, im getting crazier and crazier each day. even when im with him . damn. gotta get a hold of yourself syuadah! humph. and everyone's getting sick. well, most of them. my cutie syahid is sick. mm. too much cold sugary water. but he getting pampered lei. want to act baby only. and he is 3 yrs old already. next year skooling. so soon. but so short. like his sister. humph. wokie. that's all for now. im so damn tired.

its so hard

2004-08-05T06:23:00.000-07:00

sometimes, when you get something in life, something great. u'll start to lose something else in the process. something carved on you. something so worthwhile. and that somwthing, has stayed with you for so long. you want to marry it if you can. i dun want to lose anything. i want the love i've found to grow and the friendship i kept to soar. soar. get better and better. ive said sori a thousand times before. promises are not meant to be broken. but now, im sori. im truly sori. im hard, i know. im cold. i know. im quiet. i know. screw me inside out. you wont get the shit you need. its hard to tell ppl your problems when you dun even know whart they are exactly. its just fucking hard. another thing i hate. i'll turn vulgar. and ruthless. im selfish. i know. i care abt myself, not the ppl ard me. sori? no. i want to feel whart the others are feeling. bet you all dunnoe no shit im talking abt. well, im hard. and i aint gonna talk abt it. im not gonna let go of anything either. when i got 2 pillars to jumble on the tip of my finger. its hard. im not gonna let my work, her work or his work tumble and crash down. no. im just gonna let it burnn. burn right through my skin. no. promises are not meant to be broken. they are meant to be kept. and remembered. im not gonna bring anyone down. and no one is gonna crash my pillars down. none of them

im cold and hard. frozen. screw me inside out and you'll only see my blood.

nothing to do

2004-08-03T21:46:00.000-07:00

well, nothing to do, so, writting thish. and mmm. tomoro im going to meet him before skool. i hope i can at least be there on time. sighs. always been late. all the time to be accurate. urghxs. now talking to him. muahaahx. sho bye. =) and i always dunnoe whart to say to him on the phone. always so quiet. either that, i end up talking shiit.okie den .. gonna end now. wanna talk to him. whoooopiexx.

are you mad?

2004-08-03T18:32:00.000-07:00

first, i dno whart's up with my tittle and urm. read susu's tag and damn. big fucked-ep mathafucka in the house. urghs. spammers. suck. cant they just mind their own shit? seriously. they duno how to.darn. hate it. esp when its my fren they are talking abt. well, its not a they. talking a abt one bastard here. big bastard. lay off other ppl shit ar. and right now, syafiq is hitting one of the ndp goody thigy. its so loud and irritating you know. muahahx. and he is singing the majulah singapura whart a laugh. and he is only 5. yesterday, mum sang the muneru valliba song. and he was shocked. and he said ma, you know how to sing that song ar ma? he says he is hard. yup syafiq, the tounge twisting. omg syafiq is so patriotic. should hear whart he is singing now. muahaahx. but syahid would be much cuter if he sings. muahahx. so bias. but blearghs. he's gonna grow up and i bet his cuteness will fade away. sighs. its always like that with cute lil babies they are bound to be like US one day. ugly, old and cute. instead of being adorable. -.-" eversince when im like this? urghs.

she wants to let go

she can't take it anymore

she is faking all over and hurting him just more

she is not ready

not to let go of him

she never is

reality's rushing past her

and she wants her paradise

yall understand this? i cant either. and ive got a lit project to do. with dee and ema. and im not gonna stay at dee's house and do the project. arrr. but i love lit and we're gonna present it on this thursday. arrx. post a song but hey. can i hear it? damn. i love the song but too bad, cant hear it. got addicted to this song from dayah. you've converted me dayah. muahahx. thanks. but seriously. the songs that you listen to rocks. and i always think like, wow this is nice. how come i duno this song. pity. blearghs. anyway, thnks for the manggis and the rambutan. damn they are so nice and urmm. i love them. duhh. cant stop eating them yesterday. thnks dayah! muahaahx.

okies. i want to cut my hair. cannot the tahan. and i want to cut it so short, that you all will think my brother's in school. muahahx. tht short huh.or, you all will think my bf is a gay muahahax. arrrx. but cannot tahan you know. i wonder how hasfurah can do this thing. and damn i love her hair. so thick and so .. thick muahahx. very nice. well. i dnno. im very fickle minded abt my hair. and this is tiring. bye for now.

miss my fazrin** arrrr. lots and lots and lots

2004-08-01T19:05:00.000-07:00

well.. this is okay . blogspot. well. mmm.. nice. but a little confusing but i have to say dee is so into this bloggy thing thing.. =) thnks dee. pitas was buggin me =/ and urm. going to school with him tomoro and i hope i can be there on time. waiting for so long already . say 6.50 but i will reach at.urmm. 7? bleargghs.. thnks for wating darlx. and toffee i missed you lots. lots and lots. walking home without you is a dread. and i better study. my attempts of revising my work are spasmodic. mmmm. i hope he passes his n levels. i want him to.

my first posting in blogspot

2004-08-01T03:23:00.000-07:00

i hope this works. cause if it doesnt. damn. im gonna hate this shit.